When Your Dog Can’t Be Left Alone – Our Story with Nana (and Why I Now Know There Is Hope)

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If you had asked me four years ago whether I fancied going to the cinema, I would probably have burst out laughing – that tired, slightly hysterical laugh you only produce when you really want to cry. Cinema? Leisure time? Without the dog? That was unimaginable for us.

Our dog Nana couldn’t be left alone. And when I say couldn’t, I don’t mean “a little whiny”.

I mean: absolute panic. A dog writhing in sheer terror if her person so much as left the room.

I’ve seen a lot as a dog trainer. But Nana was on a whole new level.

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How It All Began – And Why It Was Worse Than We Thought

Nana came to us from Spain about four and a half years ago. A pretty, lively rescue dog of about seven, described in the shelter as “brave and people-oriented”. “The kind who would still enjoy a few hours of training classes,” they said. Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?

What actually awaited us was beyond anything we could have imagined – not even in our nightmares.

Two weeks after she moved in, I had – naively – a hairdresser’s appointment.

My husband stayed at home with Nana and our three cats. “All easy,” I thought. After all, she wasn’t alone.

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Well. After 20 minutes it began:

• Restless pacing, eyes wide.

• Heavy drooling, frantic whining, escalating barking.

• Finally, urinating and defecating in the flat.

• And then – the moment we will never forget: My husband tried to calm Nana. In her panic, she lunged forward and bit him.

It was the first of several bite incidents he endured. To this day I thank him for never giving up.

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Life With a Dog Who Cannot Be Left Alone

From that day, our lives changed radically. I stopped shopping. No cinema, no restaurants, no meeting friends. I didn’t leave Nana’s side – for more than a year.

During Covid, it was almost absurd: when we went for our vaccination, everything had to be arranged so I could “hop in”, get the jab, and rush straight back.

My husband waited outside with Nana, struggling to hold her.

Sometimes I joked we were living in a kind of “dog prison”. But it wasn’t really a joke. It was an odyssey of sacrifice, tears, guilt and despair.

And the worst part: we felt utterly alone. No one could look after Nana. Not even my husband was enough if I left.

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Separation Anxiety in Rescue Dogs

Many rescue dogs show a particular pattern: they form an extremely intense bond with a single person.

Why?

Because in their past, they often faced insecurity, change or trauma.
Some had to fight for resources, others endured loss or neglect.

Their nervous system stores the message: “I survive only if I cling tightly to someone.”

The result: a kind of “survival bond”. The dog fixates on one person because that’s where safety lies.

The problem:
When that person leaves the room or house, the dog goes into sheer panic.

Other family members or animals hardly count in that moment.
That’s why separation anxiety is often especially severe – the dog cannot simply cope with another trusted human.

Small Steps Towards Freedom

It took nearly two years before Nana could stay alone with my husband. Later, my mother became another attachment figure.

Step by step, we regained what others take for granted:

• I could shop again.

• My husband and I managed our first cinema trip.

• Today, four years later, Nana can stay relaxed on her own for 3–4 hours.

It may not sound spectacular. But for us, it was liberation.

Classic Training Approaches – And Why They Weren’t Enough

Of course, we tried everything the textbooks recommend:

• Conditioned relaxation – signals that predict calm.

• Safety space – a retreat where she feels secure.

• Visual cues – little rituals such as “I put down the jacket”.

• Gradual desensitisation – picking up the keys, opening the door, sitting back down.

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It helped – but only up to a point. Nana was more stable, but far from truly relaxed.

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The Game Changer – Why Positive Reinforcement Works

We had tried so many classic methods. But Nana’s fear still remained.
The turning point came when I came across a method in the US: one that didn’t treat being alone as something the dog just had to endure, but as an active learning opportunity – systematically rewarding calm, relaxed behaviour.

It may sound unspectacular. But for us, it was the game changer.

Why It Makes Sense

Dogs learn best through positive reinforcement.

When something good happens, the behaviour is likely to be repeated.

If fear is ignored or the dog is simply left to “get over it”, they learn nothing – except that they’re abandoned to their panic.

Imagine you had a fear of flying. Would it help if someone just shoved you on a plane and said: “Tough it out, you’ll get used to it”?
Probably not.

But if you received positive reinforcement for every small step – boarding, fastening your belt, the first calm minutes – your fear would gradually shift into trust.

That’s exactly how this training works for being alone.

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What Happens in Training

• Tiny steps: we don’t leave the dog “for an hour” – we begin with seconds, not minutes.

• Active rewarding: every calm second, every relaxed wait is marked and rewarded. The dog learns: “Being alone = something good happens.”

• Building resilience: the dog not only avoids panic, but actively develops a positive outlook.

• Stable generalisation: with repetition in different contexts, the dog learns it always pays to stay calm – whether morning, evening, or in a new environment.

The result? Instead of being trapped in fear, the dog becomes capable and confident.

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Why Not Much Earlier?

I still ask myself this. Because really, it’s obvious:

• Why should we “ride out” fear, when we can dismantle it and replace it with positive feelings?

• Why put dogs into extremes, when patience and systematic reinforcement achieve deeper, more lasting results?

For too long, the dog world focused on “desensitisation” and “toughing it out”.
But behavioural science has long shown: active reinforcement systems work not only faster, but more sustainably.

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What the Science Says

Particularly fascinating is the work of Dr Erica Feuerbacher, who compared classic desensitisation with positive reinforcement training for separation anxiety.

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The results were clear:

• With pure desensitisation (the dog stays alone a little longer each time, with nothing happening), progress was limited. Dogs appeared calmer outwardly, but inner tension often remained.

• With positive reinforcement, however, dogs were not only calmer but genuinely more relaxed. Rewarding calm moments created a strong association: Being alone pays off.

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Dr Feuerbacher also showed that dogs are not only motivated by food. Social reinforcement – friendly voice, affection, eye contact – is also powerful.

👉 For separation training, this means: targeted positive stimuli in moments of calm build lasting learning. The dog doesn’t just “cope”, but comes to experience being alone as safe and positive.

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The Difference for Nana – and for You

For Nana, this was the turning point. She stopped seeing being alone as horror, and began to link it with positive experience.

And I see the same with my clients, in Hamburg and online:

• Dogs who couldn’t be left for years suddenly nap peacefully.

• Owners who sacrificed months can finally shop, meet friends, or go to the cinema.

• Daily life becomes lighter, pressure lifts – and the relationship with the dog improves.

This training isn’t “magic” – it’s applied learning psychology.
Step by step, reward-based, scientifically grounded.
And it works – fairly, and for the long term.

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Today – And Why I Can Help You

Looking back, I think: I wouldn’t do it the same way again. I’d have sought professional help much earlier, from a veterinary behaviourist, for example.

But I also know: this journey made me who I am today.

If you’re thinking “That’s exactly us!” – let me tell you: there is hope.

• Your dog can learn to stay relaxed when alone.

• Your daily life can become easier.

• Your guilty conscience can quieten down.

In my course Finally Happy Alone I guide you step by step.
I work with dog owners across Hamburg’s north (St Georg, Altona, Eimsbüttel, Winterhude, Wandsbek and surroundings) and online.

 

📌 My offers:

• Individual coaching on site in Hamburg

• Online course Finally Happy Alone

• Scientifically grounded, force-free methods

• Personal support – from the first seconds to several hours of alone time

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👉 Don’t wait too long.
Separation anxiety grows if ignored. The earlier you start, the sooner your dog will relax.